Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Well, it has been a few more difficult days. It's hard to have so many now, and not really having a light at the end of the table.
Sunday was low-key. They had Body Movement group in the pool, which I could not participate in, so I had to stay inside. I am bummed because the weather has cooled off a bit and being outside is actually very pleasant, but I cannot go out yet. Sunday night we went out to dinner at some Thai restaurant, which was okay.
Yesterday was....explosive. The morning was okay, although now I have a morning snack, and that kills the little quiet time I enjoy between groups. During one of the morning groups the group leader informed me that I have been dishonest about my behaviors and how I am supposedly 'manipulating my weight' and that it has been reported by other peers that I am secretly purging. I was quite infuriated. First of all, that I have told staff EVERY SINGLE TIME I have purged. Secondly, that although I have repeatedly asked my peers to let me know if they are concerned about me, that no one comes to me directly. So the group leader was using this as ammunition to the team's belief that I am being dishonest and may need a higher level of care- which was completely opposite of the vibe I got from then on Friday.
After lunch I was randomly weighed. This made me very anxious- my immediate belief is that I gained a bunch of weight yesterday and they have to confirm that.
From there I went to my therapist's office. He confirmed that the team is suspicious that I am lying, specifically using my peer's accusation as evidence to that. It was the last straw for me. I walked out of his office. I was so pissed. I have been completely honest, compliant with every restriction that has been put on me. How am I supposed to trust these people who don't believe a word I say? I have done many things over the last month that I AM uncomfortable with, trying to trust the professionals, only to find out that they don't trust me in the slightest. I went to pack my bags. I had every intention of leaving. I was going to book a flight out, until I remembered that I have my car here, lol. I think I knew shortly thereafter that I wasn't really going to leave, but I was MAD. And I wanted people to know it. Eventually I calmed down, and went to talk to the program director. I laid out my frustrations. I let her know that I had, in fact, told my dietitian about the accusatory purge- it turns out that my dietitian missed the morning staff meeting, so the rest of the team was under the impression that I had not told anyone. So, again, I had fallen victim to poor communication.
I took a nap and unpacked. Today I am just trying to lay low. Initially my response was to charge into group this morning and express my anger that the 'concerned peer' was not coming to me. But lying in bed last night, the Life Coach's philosophies emerged in my head as I considered what purpose that would serve me and what I could take from this situation. I realized I cannot make anyone do anything, and that perhaps the lesson is that I need to be more open with my peers about my struggles.

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