Monday, September 7, 2009

Rogers Doktahs

Every day during the week at Rogers you meet with your psychiatrist. My psychiatrist was Dr. Wiesensel. I think she has been at Rogers for quite some time. She is straightforward and has no sense of humor. But we basically had no problems, just checked in every morning for about five minutes, made minor adjustments on my medications from time to time (she did come in early, like 7 am, and didn’t care if she took you out of breakfast to meet with you, which was sort of annoying). The only thing with Dr. Wisensel is that she is sort of strict or overly cautious or whatever you want to call it, and she would tend to tell you one thing (such as "You can start going to the dining room tomorrow") and then take it back (tomorrow would come and she would want to wait another day or two).
After about two weeks into my stay at Rogers I was making plans to return to Castlewood on a Monday- I had bought plane tickets and everything. Dr. Wisensel was all on board. Then on Friday afternoon at about 4pm, three days before I was scheduled to leave, Castlewood called to let me know I couldn't come back yet- there had been a miscommunication between the staff at Castlewood and the social worker at Rogers and Castlewood had not realized that I had not fully met the requirements to return. I was frantic- I did not want to stay at Rogers one second longer and I had already bought my plane ticket. It was Friday evening, and not much could be done- I decided I was going to follow through with my plane ticket, fly to St. Louis and pick up my car and drive back home to Seattle. Dr. Wisensel was on call for the weekend so I saw her Saturday morning. I explained the situation and my intention to return home. She was fine with the plane; she had no reason to keep me there. In reality I had been hoping that she would not let me leave. I did not really want to return home, I knew that I was not ready and that that was a plan for disaster. I was also aware that staying at Rogers two more weeks (to fulfill the requirements to return to Castlewood) was going to eat up four more weeks of residential insurance benefits that I could have spent at Castlewood.

That afternoon I asked the nursing staff if I should put in a '24 Hour Request to Leave' form, which is basically a form people sign that people can sign that allows patients to let their doctors know that they intend to leave, and requires their doctors to meet with the patient within 24 hours to determine if the patient is stable enough to leave or whether they are not and need to get a court order to make them stay. Anyways, since the nursing staff suggested that I fill one out (since my discharge plans had been changed and were not concrete and were confusing) I did. By late Saturday afternoon I was frenzied. I was somewhat terrified of returning home- it felt like a death sentence. I knew I was nowhere near recovery and that returning home meant that I would just return right back where I was. In addition to that, although I had a plane ticket to St. Louis and planned to drive back to Washington, I had no money whatsoever to make the drive back west. I had no idea what I was going to do- sleep in my car? Where? How was I going to earn money that way? Get a job? I guess grandma might bail me out, but I wasn’t very interested in that, and I don’t think she was, either. I was panicked.
Sunday afternoon Dr. Wisensel came onto the unit to see me, as required per the 24-hour Request to Leave paper. She pulled me into a conference room and immediately lashed out angrily “Why the hell did you make me drag my ass up here on my ass up here on my day off? Did you think I wasn’t going to discharge you? Why are you pulling this shit?” Stunned and scared, I ran back to the dayroom, shaken and crying. I started to try to talk to one of the nurses there, Amanda- fortunately one that I happened to like, but Dr. Wisensel entered the dayroom and continued, in front of everyone “You either need to come rescind you request or you need to leave right now. You need to stop acting like a two-year-old and start acting like an adult. You need to grow up.” I thought I was going to explode. I stared into Amanda’s eyes, silently pleading her to intervene. But she couldn’t. As much as she knew that what was going on was wrong, she couldn’t argue with the doctor right there.
After holding my gaze with Amanda for a minute longer, I silently followed Dr. Wisensel back to the conference room. As I signed the line to rescind my request, she continued “You need to learn to trust what people tell you. If you don’t learn to do that, you will never recover. Don’t pull this shit again.”
I left, and went to my room, quite upset. Amanda came in a bit later to let me know she had called the House Supervisor (HS) (basically the person who oversees and manages the whole hospital) and explained what had gone on. The HS was going to come talk to me shortly. On top of everything else, I was still scheduled to leave in about 15 hours and had no idea what I was going to do.
The HS came, I explained what had occurred with Dr. Wisensel, along with my fears around my disorganized discharge plan. She let me know that she was not comfortable letting me leave with the way things were set up, with all of the uncertainty after arriving in St. Louis. She said she would come back and talk to me later after making a few phone calls. When she returned, she informed me that my care was being transferred to another doctor, Dr. Weltzin, and that I was not going to be able to discharge until he met with me and evaluated me and wrote the discharge order. Since my flight was scheduled to leave at six a.m. the following morning, this meant that my flight was going to have to be rebooked. This provided a little relief- I had some time to put together a plan, and I would not have to deal with Dr. Wisensel. Later that night Dr. Wisensel called in my discharge order (which she never did write) and was not only informed that I was not, in fact, discharging the next morning, but that she could not write orders for me because she did not have authority over my case because it had been switched to another doctor. I was told that she was not very happy with the news.
I met with Dr. Weltzin the next morning. Although he was comfortable discharging me, we decided to hold out for a while, to see if I could try again to meet the requirements to be able to return to Castlewood. I ended up staying at Rogers another three loooong weeks. But Dr. Weltzin turned out to be a much better fit for me. He is the director of all of the eating disorder programs at Rogers, but I felt like he was willing to work with me and do what he could to help out and make my time there less painful (even granting me special privileges, such as being able to take walks or go shopping online).
So, although it was only for a few minutes each day that you saw the doctor, seriously, bedside manner DOES still count in my book!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Rogers:Daily Life

Wow...it has been a long time!!! I am back at Castlewood. I got back a week ago- last Monday. My stay at Rogers did not go well, to say the least. I will try to do my best to summarize my experience.
I flew into Milwaukee after a layover in Memphis, TN. It was sort of odd to have to fly directly south from St. Louis for an hour to Memphis and then directly north for two to get to Milwaukee, but I suppose that is how the airlines work these days. The driver from Rogers was calling to ask where I was before I even made it to the baggage claim. He was an interesting fellow- Norm is his name. He would ask me a question (in a very low voice, so that I would have to have him repeat it several times), such as what was I studying in school? to which I would have to shout back the answer ("Biology!") because he could never hear me. Then he would reply with some completely random or inappropriate response such as "Oh, thats too bad, we don't all get t do what we want in life." Anyways, as we pulled in front of the admissions building, a cop pulled in behind us. I was alarmed at first- was I going to be brought into the building in shackles? Nope, Norm had just ran a stop sign.
After the whole admission and paperwork process I was taken up to the unit. It is a locked psychiatric unit with two halls; one hall is for the adult mental health and drug/alcohol detox patients and the other hall is for the adult eating disorder patients. My stuff was searched and I was given a room. I lucked out in that I got a single room with a bathroom, although it is not that great since the rooms are bare with just a bed and locked windows with heavy screens. Most of the other rooms are doubles and everyone shares the shower rooms located off the hallway.
Since I came in on the weekend I was not able to meet with a dietician right away and was given the standard meal plan they give to people who first come in- the lowest plan which is ver, very little food. That night I asked for some extra fruit for snack, which practically floored them.
The first day I met with the doctor on call. She was able to write me an order that allowed me to have my clothes that had drawstrings and I was also allowed to have my yarn and knitting needles. The dietician that was filling in for the weekend came up to meet with me and we discussed what I had been eating at Castlewood and she greatly increased my meal plan. Rogers goes off the exchange system, which I despise because it tends to make me become more obsessive on calories (it did). They also require 3 meals and 3 snacks, like most programs.
That first day I also completed all of the assignments they give you- a couple of worksheets abut body image and exercise and a workbook about your eating disorder. Monday I met with my regular doctor who advanced me to level three- the highest level. This meant that I was allowed to eat in the dining room (although I still ate off of a prepared tray) and was allowed outside. The days are all the same at Rogers: wake up at 6:30am for weights and vitals (if you have bloodwork ordered, they come around 5 or 5:30 in the morning), shower and get ready. Breakfast is at 7:45. Then everyone kind of hangs out, at some point we have goals group where we would all state our goal for the day. Then came rec group for an hour where would play a teambuilding game (with the exception of Mondays- no group at that time), followed by snack, and an hour of process group. Lunch is at 11:45an, and then we chill until 1pm when we have social serives group for an hour. Sanck at 2, art at 2:15, dinner at 4:45, snack and goals at 8pm. day in and day out. No individual therapy or anything. The weekends are worse- just art group in the morning and process group in the afternoon surrounded by all of the meals and snacks. I fulfilled my time doing lots of jigsaw and sodoku puzzles and crocheting dishcloths.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Going...going..gone

So I am all set to go to the program in Wisconsin. I really don't want to go, to be in such a strict, depersonalized unit. But I have been keeping myself very busy, so fortunately not had too much time to dwell. I am flying out tomorrow morning. I hope to do what I need to do there in a relatively short time and be on my way back here to Castlewood. I just need to remember that Roger's is not forever. I will not have Internet or phone access there, so I will be away for a bit. Enjoy your summer!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Limbo

The team has decided I need a more intensive inpatient program to have a steadier weight gain and to have more structure and support in controlling my ED behaviors. I am so devastated. I just want to stay HERE. They have promised that if I do what I need to do I can come back as soon as I leave ip. They want me to go to Roger's Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin. I do NOT want to go. I have heard horrible things about the program. But...the alternative options are not good. So I had an assessment with Roger's this morning and am waiting to hear back from them. I am in limbo, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. As soon as I get the go from them I will schedule my flight out there. That could be tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon or Saturday. I just do not know. I am trying just to focus on the logistics of what needs to be done. Cancel my cell phone and car insurance, pack, ect. Roger's ip program is very strict and I will not be able to access a computer or cell phone (or pants with drawstrings, spiral bound notebooks, outdoors...) so this blog is going to at least be on hold if/when I go. I will update when I know more....

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Slump :(

I have been kind of depressed the last few days. I don't know why. I spent my free time over the weekend in my room and slept a lot. I just do not really feel like being around people. Additionally, my urges to restrict my food intake are greater. So far I have still eaten all of the food and stuff I am supposed to, but it has been a great struggle and debate in my head.
Last week, after sharing my timeline to the group, I got feedback such as "this treatment stay is just the next line in the progression of my treatment stays" and that "it is impossible that I will recover." I felt (feel) very hopeless. If the professionals think it is near impossible for me to recover, then what chance do I have?!? On Friday my therapist and I agreed that I would start a "Rigorous Honesty" journal, where I note all of my behaviors and eating disordered thoughts. I have doing pretty well with it. However, I still had struggles and urges over the weekend. On Monday I implemented a plan with Deborah that included me sharing my Honesty journal once a shift, no kitchen privileges and no privileges to go on outings. I am okay with all of that, I know I need the extra support. But at the moment I don't really care about any of it- treatment, recovery, my eating disorder, being here or not being here.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Week Six Down



Yesterday I decided to try my best to look decent and play dress-up :)








Well, it has been a pretty quiet week. The weekend was calm. On Sunday my nutritionist shared her own story of recovery during a group. It was very inspiring to me. It made me realize that she could truly emphasize with me and that I need not be ashamed of some of the behaviors that I have engaged in over the years. When she talked about the beginning of her recovery, she told how the most important step she took was to be 100% honest with her sponsor. For some reason that really struck me. There are secrets that I have been keeping- nothing major, but they add up and fuel my addiction. Things such as having extra salt, extra diet coke, ect. At that moment in Deborah's story I felt compelled to be 100% honest. I know that recovery means 100% honest. I decided to come clean. As the evening wore on, I started to become hesitant and knew I was losing that motivation. I told a peer that there was something I needed to talk to Deborah about and asked that she would hold me accountable to doing so. Towards the end of the night I pulled Deborah aside and told her what was going on- everything. I trust Deborah the most of anyone. I had put myself in a difficult situation- on one hand I feared the consequences (well, mainly the consequence of being kicked out- I could handle and deserved anything else), but on the other hand I knew that recovery = honesty. I could get rid of whatever forbidden things I had, but that would only be a patch over the pothole. Thankfully, Deborah was very gentle, but I worried about the team's response on Monday. It went better than ever- I was actually commended for my honesty.
Tuesday I shared in group about the most difficult aspect of my eating disorder- the ruminating. It is a behavior that I am so ashamed of and is a huge dam in my recovery. My peers were very supportive, so I am glad that I am able to talk about it and get help with the issue.
The rest of the week has been a bit blase, a bit down. I don't know. I am relaxing that I am struggling less, having minimal urges to purge, ect, and that is a bit scary. I feel emotionally blank.
On the upside, I realized yesterday that I feel more comfortable within the community. I am finding it easier to talk to and connect with my peers and the staff. Hopefully that will continue to improve.
On Tuesday I woke up at 4:30am and could hear the wolves outside. I tried to get the howling on video, but you can only hear birds: (the bright object is actually the moon, not the sun)

video










Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy Fourth of July!


HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!!!!

Quick update, as it is "late".

The last few days have been considerably better. I did end up having to get my tube replaced again on Thursday. Apparently I have "kinky intestines" and thus the tube will likely continue to have issues.

WARNING: GROSS INFORMATION AHEAD!!!

So eating disorders really mess with the normalization of bowel movements. I had gone about two weeks without having a BM, and by Thursday-Friday was in serious pain. It hurt to stand or move. It killed to sit. Eating and having pressure on my stomach was torturous. And I literally looked about eight months pregnant. Friday they discussed sending me to urgent care, but instead gave me some major laxatives that are typically given to patients before they have bowel surgery. I finally got some relief today. Currently not full of shit, at least in the literal sense!

Otherwise things have been moving along, hehe. No movie last night, as there was not one that everyone was interested in seeing. Today we went to Borders again, where I was able to show some self restraint...but could have used more :/

Yesterday my dietitian called and let me know my weight was climbing too much (or too fast) and she decreased my meal plan. The thought of gaining so much weight freaks me out, but I am trying to be relieved that my dietitian is sticking to her word, and also let myself know that part of my weight gain may be due to the other issues I was having.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun Fourth!!!


Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Better Day :)

Well, yesterday finally felt like a better day. First of all, it is the first of the month, thus we got to vote on new soda selections, and it is Diet Coke month people!!! wahooo!! That will make everything better! I also got to meat with the Life Coach for the first time, and that feels positive to me. For some reason the Life Coach and her positivity and method of refrming negative thinking is really rubbing off on me. We set some general gaols of things I want to work on- being more optimistic and less critical, finding "self love" and getting some guidence on which direction I want to go school and career-wise. I feel good about this.
Yesterday I also got off of 24-hour bathroom observations (yay!!) and couck rest (double yay!!!!). I am quite happy with this, even though I dont have any extra privleges. Tho only thing I am annoyed with at the moment is that my tube is clogged again and it looks like it is going to have to be re-replaced. I am NOT happy about this. But there is not much I can do about the situation, so to quote my dad "it is what it is".
The movie we voted on for tomorrow is "Year One". It does not really sound like my type of film- has anyone seen it? Not sure I will go, but it IS free. Saturday's outing is the St. Louis Art Museum, which I probably won't go to. Museums are not really my thing, and it is in Forest Park, which is supposedly crazy busy on the Fourth.
All in All, things are better today. What are you doing to celebrate the Fourth of July??

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Well, it has been a few more difficult days. It's hard to have so many now, and not really having a light at the end of the table.
Sunday was low-key. They had Body Movement group in the pool, which I could not participate in, so I had to stay inside. I am bummed because the weather has cooled off a bit and being outside is actually very pleasant, but I cannot go out yet. Sunday night we went out to dinner at some Thai restaurant, which was okay.
Yesterday was....explosive. The morning was okay, although now I have a morning snack, and that kills the little quiet time I enjoy between groups. During one of the morning groups the group leader informed me that I have been dishonest about my behaviors and how I am supposedly 'manipulating my weight' and that it has been reported by other peers that I am secretly purging. I was quite infuriated. First of all, that I have told staff EVERY SINGLE TIME I have purged. Secondly, that although I have repeatedly asked my peers to let me know if they are concerned about me, that no one comes to me directly. So the group leader was using this as ammunition to the team's belief that I am being dishonest and may need a higher level of care- which was completely opposite of the vibe I got from then on Friday.
After lunch I was randomly weighed. This made me very anxious- my immediate belief is that I gained a bunch of weight yesterday and they have to confirm that.
From there I went to my therapist's office. He confirmed that the team is suspicious that I am lying, specifically using my peer's accusation as evidence to that. It was the last straw for me. I walked out of his office. I was so pissed. I have been completely honest, compliant with every restriction that has been put on me. How am I supposed to trust these people who don't believe a word I say? I have done many things over the last month that I AM uncomfortable with, trying to trust the professionals, only to find out that they don't trust me in the slightest. I went to pack my bags. I had every intention of leaving. I was going to book a flight out, until I remembered that I have my car here, lol. I think I knew shortly thereafter that I wasn't really going to leave, but I was MAD. And I wanted people to know it. Eventually I calmed down, and went to talk to the program director. I laid out my frustrations. I let her know that I had, in fact, told my dietitian about the accusatory purge- it turns out that my dietitian missed the morning staff meeting, so the rest of the team was under the impression that I had not told anyone. So, again, I had fallen victim to poor communication.
I took a nap and unpacked. Today I am just trying to lay low. Initially my response was to charge into group this morning and express my anger that the 'concerned peer' was not coming to me. But lying in bed last night, the Life Coach's philosophies emerged in my head as I considered what purpose that would serve me and what I could take from this situation. I realized I cannot make anyone do anything, and that perhaps the lesson is that I need to be more open with my peers about my struggles.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Couch Bum(med)

Well, I had a frustrating end to the week. Which kind of sucked since the rest of my week was also frustrating.
Thursday afternoon my tube was clogged. In all honesty, I have not been great about taking the initiative to flush it every time I am supposed to. So it was pulled Thursday, and I was hoping that that meant it would stay out. Surprisingly, I found dinner Thursday night to be particularly hard. I have been wanting the tube out, but once it was, I was suddenly thinking about how much I didn't want to eat, how now nobody could 'force' me to do it. Also, I truly have not been experiencing any hunger. I was having an okay time in the beginning, but now I have absolutely no desire to eat. So eating dinner was me literally forcing it down. I was trying to use the fact that I wanted to go to the movie Friday night as motivation. But I was rather miserable the rest of the night.

Friday morning I found out that I was going to the hospital first thing to get a new tube. Part of me was frustrated- I didn't even get a chance to ask anyone if I could have a 'trial period' without it, and I didn't see the necessity in having it replaced since I have only used it a couple of times. But then there was another part of me that was relieved- I didn't have to torture myself with the guilt and shame for eating when I didn't 'have to'. This is disordered thinking, I know. Anyways, I had to get it done, and thankfully the procedure went a lot smoother than the first time.

Friday afternoon I was hit with another bombshell. Apparently since I have not gained any weight (or lost some- I am not exactly sure) my insurance is questioning whether this program is appropriate for me or whether I need a more intensive inpatient rigid refeeding/weight gain program. This would really suck. I will not go to such a program, so I really hope things work out. Because my weight has not progressed, I am on a new protocol. I am back on 24-hour observations and also on strict 'couch rest'. This means I can only walk to the bathroom and dining room (about 15 feet away) and the group room. The rest of the time I have to sit on the couch. I cannot even go on the bowling outing today or sit on the porch on the opposite side of the room :( I understand the concept of them not wanting me to expend even the slightest amount of energy, but it is still disappointing. And I get the sense that they don't completely believe me that I am not doing something 'bad' to avoid weight gain. That is actually the worst part- I can't do ANYTHING to make my body do what it 'needs' to do. I am literally helpless. So parts of it do feel punishing. But it will supposedly be re-evaluated on Mon. I am trying to remind myself:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"


My sacred 'couch seat':



Thursday, June 25, 2009

Four Weeks

Well, I came to Castlewood four weeks ago today. In a lot of ways I feel like I have made no progress. But I guess change is slow and it is hard to see from one day to the next. At least that is what I am telling myself is the case...
This week has been sort of blah. I guess I have been a bit blah. On Monday Jim pulled me into his office and told me that he (and the staff) were concerned about the 'incident' over the weekend. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Apparently there was a discussion in Monday's team meeting that I had stolen food or something when we were at Borders. Not the case. Eventually they figured out that there had been some miscommunication and the don't know where that information came from. It is still sort of unresolved, and even though I did not do anything wrong it feels as though my 'reputation' is tarnished by the event. I am pretty frustrated over it.
Additionally, I am having a bit of a difficulty with another member in the community. I feel like I am irritable and that I am not capable of making connections with others. It bothers me because I don't feel like I can say anything right so I decide to keep my mouth shut, but then always end up opening it and saying something to piss someone off. This is very disturbing to me.
It has been one week since I have purged. I don't feel good about it; instead I feel like I am just forcing myself to go through the motions.
Hopefully the weekend will be chill.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Weekend Recap

It was HOT and HUMID!!!! It was about 100 degrees with 100% humidity. So muggy I avoided going outside as much as possible!
I ended up not being able to go to the movie on Friday as a consequence of my actions in the previous days. I definitely understood, but I was still disappointed since it was a movie I selected and really wanted to see! I was also temporarily placed back on 24 hour bathroom observations, but on Saturday was able to get off of them. I went on the outing on Saturday to JoAnn Fabrics and to Borders. I had to sty with staff, but that was okay. I got some more yarn for crochet and knitting projects (why is it that I only do them when I am in treatment??) and some magazines and books at Borders. I had a return and a coupon for Borders, so I was able to get 5 things for only $6. Love that.
Yesterday was sort of lazy. I worked on some assignments, napped, went to groups and hung out in my room, where it is cooler. I am now wishing I hadn't brought only sweatpants and ventured into capris-land!
I am looking forward to a better week. I have not purged since Thursday, so I am off to a better start.
Anyone have plans for the 4th of July?

Friday, June 19, 2009

TGIF

It has been a rough week. Sorry I haven't updated.
This week I have started to share my timeline with the group and with my therapist. Today I was told that my timeline is more like a memoir and I need to cut it down for the group part. I have enjoyed writing my timeline and am going to keep it as a work in progress.
Tuesday night the staff decided to forgo our pre-planned meal and got pizza and (honestly) salad drenched in dressing. I was already very anxious about this change, and was supposed to sit next to my dietitian. However, she ended up spending the time talking with another client, thus I was sort of alone at the end of the table. I didn't eat, didn't supplement. No one really talked to me about it. I left dinner and sat outside for quite a while, feeling abandoned and needy, and very much wanted to cut. The fact that no one noticed I was missing or came to look for me sort of cemented these beliefs for me.
I know my behavior sounds childish and manipulative. Honestly I was experiencing intense emotions, and this rage inside. Maybe it was connected to the fact that I have been talking a lot about experiencing abandonment as a child or whatever. I did have an opportunity to talk to my peers about the situation that night, and spoke of it with a couple of staff the following day. Both Wednesday and Thursday I purged. At least one of those times I let staff know I had the urge, but I did not seek out the level of support I needed, I guess. My team thinks that my acting out on behaviors is related to some emotions that might be stirred up since I am sharing my timeline. I don't really like this theory; I feel like it is making justifications for my behavior. Also, it is hard for me to see this as a possibility because I really am not feeling emotions about it. But I m trying to entertain the idea that my emotions and behaviors are related.
Anyways, I am going to make a concerted effort to stick to my observation time, ask for support and use concrete coping skills. I do not want my stay here to be jeopardized.
It has gotten hella hot here. Yesterday and today have been near 100 degrees, and humid. The air conditioning cant keep up, so the building is warm (I am actually comfortable, but others are sweltering). Yesterday some folks saw a peacock in the yard (4 feet tall!!) but I did not see it. I did, however, see another black snake today, it was sort of cute, so small I thought it was a large worm.
Tonight we are going to see The Proposal, which I am excited about since that was my pick for the movie. Tomorrow's outing is to Border's and JoAnne Fabrics. I may or may not go to church on Sunday...I think I will see how the other outings go, and I want to examine my true intentions for going.
I am glad this week is over. I am looking forward to a better week next week.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Comments

I have changed some of the settings for my comment function...if someone would not mind trying to post a comment so I can see if it works, I would appreciate it!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Weekend Wrap

It was a productive weekend. I feel good about that.

Friday night we went to see the movie. I have this thing I do which is that I always see things that I want to do or intend on doing, but then I back out at the last second. This was a constant occurrence during college. I would decide something looked fun, but as the time approached, I would find my anxiety increasing, the fear of being around people and food and out of my isolative abode overtaking me. Most of it was eating disorder related- I didn't want anything to interfere with my routine or schedule or intentions to binge and purge. As movie time approached Friday night, this same anxiety crept up, to a lesser degree. Of course, engaging in eating disorder acts were not a factor, it was more of stepping out of my comfort zone and interrupting the schedule I knew and was familiar with.

Similarly, I felt the same way about Sunday's outing, which was to the Botanical Gardens. But I pushed myself to go. The gardens were pretty, but not exactly what I was expecting. Their Japanese garden was not at all like what I remember seeing in Japan. Plus it was really hot and there was a lot of walking, and my unfit body was exhausted by the time we left.

Saturday I also engaged in another eating disorder fueled sin. I stole food, ate it and purged it. I am not proud of this. It was the hardest thing ever to admit this to Deborah yesterday, but I think I feel a little better now that it is out. I am just very ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Sunday was kind of chill. For Body Movement group we went on a walk. It was supposed to be peaceful and calming, but it was sort of difficult for me to get in that space. I was, however, reminded how much I want to do things that that the eating disorder prevents me from doing, such as taking up photography, hiking, camping and fishing.

Sunday night it was sprung on us that we were going out to eat again. I was not very happy about this. I was already grumpy because Deborah just bumped my meal plan up again (I am now eating exactly double what I was just a week ago), and going out did not appeal to me. We got there, some very expensive European restaurant, and I decided to have the "Roasted Beet and Goat Cheese Salad." Yes, this choice was majorly influenced by my eating disorder, but it honestly sounded good on the menu. It wasn't. It was disgusting. I disliked every part of it, besides the beets, but they were all covered in disgusting dressing. I choked it down. I was annoyed on the outside, and angry on the inside. It is a very big eating disorder rule not to ever eat anything I don't like (is that really unreasonable?) and I feel that if I have to eat, I might as well like it, or at least be able to tolerate it. Not the case here. I guess it taught me several things: 1) Don't let the eating disorder choose your foods for you and 2) I don't ever have to have that again!
Today I am sort of blah. I processed my theft/purging event in group, and just am ashamed about it. I am eating the damn food. But I am still blah.

Here are some pics from the Botanical Gardens: