Thursday, July 9, 2009

Week Six Down

Yesterday I decided to try my best to look decent and play dress-up :)

Well, it has been a pretty quiet week. The weekend was calm. On Sunday my nutritionist shared her own story of recovery during a group. It was very inspiring to me. It made me realize that she could truly emphasize with me and that I need not be ashamed of some of the behaviors that I have engaged in over the years. When she talked about the beginning of her recovery, she told how the most important step she took was to be 100% honest with her sponsor. For some reason that really struck me. There are secrets that I have been keeping- nothing major, but they add up and fuel my addiction. Things such as having extra salt, extra diet coke, ect. At that moment in Deborah's story I felt compelled to be 100% honest. I know that recovery means 100% honest. I decided to come clean. As the evening wore on, I started to become hesitant and knew I was losing that motivation. I told a peer that there was something I needed to talk to Deborah about and asked that she would hold me accountable to doing so. Towards the end of the night I pulled Deborah aside and told her what was going on- everything. I trust Deborah the most of anyone. I had put myself in a difficult situation- on one hand I feared the consequences (well, mainly the consequence of being kicked out- I could handle and deserved anything else), but on the other hand I knew that recovery = honesty. I could get rid of whatever forbidden things I had, but that would only be a patch over the pothole. Thankfully, Deborah was very gentle, but I worried about the team's response on Monday. It went better than ever- I was actually commended for my honesty.
Tuesday I shared in group about the most difficult aspect of my eating disorder- the ruminating. It is a behavior that I am so ashamed of and is a huge dam in my recovery. My peers were very supportive, so I am glad that I am able to talk about it and get help with the issue.
The rest of the week has been a bit blase, a bit down. I don't know. I am relaxing that I am struggling less, having minimal urges to purge, ect, and that is a bit scary. I feel emotionally blank.
On the upside, I realized yesterday that I feel more comfortable within the community. I am finding it easier to talk to and connect with my peers and the staff. Hopefully that will continue to improve.
On Tuesday I woke up at 4:30am and could hear the wolves outside. I tried to get the howling on video, but you can only hear birds: (the bright object is actually the moon, not the sun)

1 comment:

craftykid said...

That post struck some questions with me. Would you mind emailing me?

I'm really proud of you for coming clean. It's AWESOME that the nutritionist shared her story. The last place I was at, the owner was 'recovered,' yet would never share her story. I've always wanted to hear recovery stories.