So I am all set to go to the program in Wisconsin. I really don't want to go, to be in such a strict, depersonalized unit. But I have been keeping myself very busy, so fortunately not had too much time to dwell. I am flying out tomorrow morning. I hope to do what I need to do there in a relatively short time and be on my way back here to Castlewood. I just need to remember that Roger's is not forever. I will not have Internet or phone access there, so I will be away for a bit. Enjoy your summer!
The team has decided I need a more intensive inpatient program to have a steadier weight gain and to have more structure and support in controlling my ED behaviors. I am so devastated. I just want to stay HERE. They have promised that if I do what I need to do I can come back as soon as I leave ip. They want me to go to Roger's Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin. I do NOT want to go. I have heard horrible things about the program. But...the alternative options are not good. So I had an assessment with Roger's this morning and am waiting to hear back from them. I am in limbo, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. As soon as I get the go from them I will schedule my flight out there. That could be tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon or Saturday. I just do not know. I am trying just to focus on the logistics of what needs to be done. Cancel my cell phone and car insurance, pack, ect. Roger's ip program is very strict and I will not be able to access a computer or cell phone (or pants with drawstrings, spiral bound notebooks, outdoors...) so this blog is going to at least be on hold if/when I go. I will update when I know more....
I have been kind of depressed the last few days. I don't know why. I spent my free time over the weekend in my room and slept a lot. I just do not really feel like being around people. Additionally, my urges to restrict my food intake are greater. So far I have still eaten all of the food and stuff I am supposed to, but it has been a great struggle and debate in my head. Last week, after sharing my timeline to the group, I got feedback such as "this treatment stay is just the next line in the progression of my treatment stays" and that "it is impossible that I will recover." I felt (feel) very hopeless. If the professionals think it is near impossible for me to recover, then what chance do I have?!? On Friday my therapist and I agreed that I would start a "Rigorous Honesty" journal, where I note all of my behaviors and eating disordered thoughts. I have doing pretty well with it. However, I still had struggles and urges over the weekend. On Monday I implemented a plan with Deborah that included me sharing my Honesty journal once a shift, no kitchen privileges and no privileges to go on outings. I am okay with all of that, I know I need the extra support. But at the moment I don't really care about any of it- treatment, recovery, my eating disorder, being here or not being here.
Yesterday I decided to try my best to look decent and play dress-up :)
Well, it has been a pretty quiet week. The weekend was calm. On Sunday my nutritionist shared her own story of recovery during a group. It was very inspiring to me. It made me realize that she could truly emphasize with me and that I need not be ashamed of some of the behaviors that I have engaged in over the years. When she talked about the beginning of her recovery, she told how the most important step she took was to be 100% honest with her sponsor. For some reason that really struck me. There are secrets that I have been keeping- nothing major, but they add up and fuel my addiction. Things such as having extra salt, extra diet coke, ect. At that moment in Deborah's story I felt compelled to be 100% honest. I know that recovery means 100% honest. I decided to come clean. As the evening wore on, I started to become hesitant and knew I was losing that motivation. I told a peer that there was something I needed to talk to Deborah about and asked that she would hold me accountable to doing so. Towards the end of the night I pulled Deborah aside and told her what was going on- everything. I trust Deborah the most of anyone. I had put myself in a difficult situation- on one hand I feared the consequences (well, mainly the consequence of being kicked out- I could handle and deserved anything else), but on the other hand I knew that recovery = honesty. I could get rid of whatever forbidden things I had, but that would only be a patch over the pothole. Thankfully, Deborah was very gentle, but I worried about the team's response on Monday. It went better than ever- I was actually commended for my honesty.
Tuesday I shared in group about the most difficult aspect of my eating disorder- the ruminating. It is a behavior that I am so ashamed of and is a huge dam in my recovery. My peers were very supportive, so I am glad that I am able to talk about it and get help with the issue.
The rest of the week has been a bit blase, a bit down. I don't know. I am relaxing that I am struggling less, having minimal urges to purge, ect, and that is a bit scary. I feel emotionally blank.
On the upside, I realized yesterday that I feel more comfortable within the community. I am finding it easier to talk to and connect with my peers and the staff. Hopefully that will continue to improve.
On Tuesday I woke up at 4:30am and could hear the wolves outside. I tried to get the howling on video, but you can only hear birds: (the bright object is actually the moon, not the sun)
The last few days have been considerably better. I did end up having to get my tube replaced again on Thursday. Apparently I have "kinky intestines" and thus the tube will likely continue to have issues.
WARNING: GROSS INFORMATION AHEAD!!!
So eating disorders really mess with the normalization of bowel movements. I had gone about two weeks without having a BM, and by Thursday-Friday was in serious pain. It hurt to stand or move. It killed to sit. Eating and having pressure on my stomach was torturous. And I literally looked about eight months pregnant. Friday they discussed sending me to urgent care, but instead gave me some major laxatives that are typically given to patients before they have bowel surgery. I finally got some relief today. Currently not full of shit, at least in the literal sense!
Otherwise things have been moving along, hehe. No movie last night, as there was not one that everyone was interested in seeing. Today we went to Borders again, where I was able to show some self restraint...but could have used more :/
Yesterday my dietitian called and let me know my weight was climbing too much (or too fast) and she decreased my meal plan. The thought of gaining so much weight freaks me out, but I am trying to be relieved that my dietitian is sticking to her word, and also let myself know that part of my weight gain may be due to the other issues I was having.
Well, yesterday finally felt like a better day. First of all, it is the first of the month, thus we got to vote on new soda selections, and it is Diet Coke month people!!! wahooo!! That will make everything better! I also got to meat with the Life Coach for the first time, and that feels positive to me. For some reason the Life Coach and her positivity and method of refrming negative thinking is really rubbing off on me. We set some general gaols of things I want to work on- being more optimistic and less critical, finding "self love" and getting some guidence on which direction I want to go school and career-wise. I feel good about this. Yesterday I also got off of 24-hour bathroom observations (yay!!) and couck rest (double yay!!!!). I am quite happy with this, even though I dont have any extra privleges. Tho only thing I am annoyed with at the moment is that my tube is clogged again and it looks like it is going to have to be re-replaced. I am NOT happy about this. But there is not much I can do about the situation, so to quote my dad "it is what it is". The movie we voted on for tomorrow is "Year One". It does not really sound like my type of film- has anyone seen it? Not sure I will go, but it IS free. Saturday's outing is the St. Louis Art Museum, which I probably won't go to. Museums are not really my thing, and it is in Forest Park, which is supposedly crazy busy on the Fourth. All in All, things are better today. What are you doing to celebrate the Fourth of July??
I am constantly looking for my purpose, my destiny and my self. I have not always made the best decisions, but I believe everything happens for a reason. I love my family, learning and diet coke! (in that order) I believe you never stop learning. I haven't given up on myself because I still have dreams, hopes, and things to accomplish in life! Although I have lived much in my life in the hell of an eating disorder, I plan on using this blog to chronicle my journey of recovery. Life is a journey and I have met so many wonderful people on the way. Godspeed.