I have been kind of depressed the last few days. I don't know why. I spent my free time over the weekend in my room and slept a lot. I just do not really feel like being around people. Additionally, my urges to restrict my food intake are greater. So far I have still eaten all of the food and stuff I am supposed to, but it has been a great struggle and debate in my head.
Last week, after sharing my timeline to the group, I got feedback such as "this treatment stay is just the next line in the progression of my treatment stays" and that "it is impossible that I will recover." I felt (feel) very hopeless. If the professionals think it is near impossible for me to recover, then what chance do I have?!? On Friday my therapist and I agreed that I would start a "Rigorous Honesty" journal, where I note all of my behaviors and eating disordered thoughts. I have doing pretty well with it. However, I still had struggles and urges over the weekend. On Monday I implemented a plan with Deborah that included me sharing my Honesty journal once a shift, no kitchen privileges and no privileges to go on outings. I am okay with all of that, I know I need the extra support. But at the moment I don't really care about any of it- treatment, recovery, my eating disorder, being here or not being here.
5 years ago