I have been kind of depressed the last few days. I don't know why. I spent my free time over the weekend in my room and slept a lot. I just do not really feel like being around people. Additionally, my urges to restrict my food intake are greater. So far I have still eaten all of the food and stuff I am supposed to, but it has been a great struggle and debate in my head.
Last week, after sharing my timeline to the group, I got feedback such as "this treatment stay is just the next line in the progression of my treatment stays" and that "it is impossible that I will recover." I felt (feel) very hopeless. If the professionals think it is near impossible for me to recover, then what chance do I have?!? On Friday my therapist and I agreed that I would start a "Rigorous Honesty" journal, where I note all of my behaviors and eating disordered thoughts. I have doing pretty well with it. However, I still had struggles and urges over the weekend. On Monday I implemented a plan with Deborah that included me sharing my Honesty journal once a shift, no kitchen privileges and no privileges to go on outings. I am okay with all of that, I know I need the extra support. But at the moment I don't really care about any of it- treatment, recovery, my eating disorder, being here or not being here.
Road Tested
11 years ago
2 comments:
I don't know. I think your only you know in your heart if your recovery is possible. Do you think deep down this stay in IP is just gonna keep you alive enough to tide you over for a few months till the next IP stay becomes necessary? Or is this gonna be where you turn the corner and say, ok. I'm here. I'll do the work, and I'll recover. IP is not the place to play the ED game and a lot of girls do, which is sad. I honestly think you already know that you can decide whether or not you're gonna do it, I mean REALLY do it, and start getting better or whether or not you're playing the game. I love you to death but I don't see much of a change in you since you got to CW and I'm thinking it's either the wrong program for you or you're just letting yourself be the ED victim.
So, I know that we never got close, but I have been trying to keep up with how your journey is going via facebook and here... and while I understand your frustration, disappointment and feelings of hopelessness, as I think anyone in your situation would, I know that both you and I know that there is something more....
Now, I have never been to CW, so I cannot say that they are a good OR bad program. I also am aware that there is so much that goes on IP that doesn't get written about so I am also aware that I don't know the whole story...
My only advice to you comes from our place in common. Now, even after my stay in the Center I struggled to buy into the idea that recovery is possible for all of us CFC'ers... But in my heart of hearts, I believe that no one is left in the category of "not ABLE to make it"... Recovery is in ALL of us.
I do agree wholeheartedly as well that it is up to YOU to "make it"... It makes me sad that someone would tell you that.... I know this post is kind of long and jumbled and if you want more of my randomness let me know... I guess the last bit to leave you with is... Even while things seem impossible and like it's all over; try to remember what you learned at the Center. Kim was such a huge part to your AND my recovery; she is absolutely brilliant at her job and I know her well.. she would NEVER EVER tell you that you that your future recovery is doomed to fail... EVER. now is the time Jen to really try to turn it on for yourself. To go home and just let it all far apart would be easier, but it isn't over for you if you don't want it to be.
Hang in there girl. Love
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