Thursday afternoon my tube was clogged. In all honesty, I have not been great about taking the initiative to flush it every time I am supposed to. So it was pulled Thursday, and I was hoping that that meant it would stay out. Surprisingly, I found dinner Thursday night to be particularly hard. I have been wanting the tube out, but once it was, I was suddenly thinking about how much I didn't want to eat, how now nobody could 'force' me to do it. Also, I truly have not been experiencing any hunger. I was having an okay time in the beginning, but now I have absolutely no desire to eat. So eating dinner was me literally forcing it down. I was trying to use the fact that I wanted to go to the movie Friday night as motivation. But I was rather miserable the rest of the night.
Friday morning I found out that I was going to the hospital first thing to get a new tube. Part of me was frustrated- I didn't even get a chance to ask anyone if I could have a 'trial period' without it, and I didn't see the necessity in having it replaced since I have only used it a couple of times. But then there was another part of me that was relieved- I didn't have to torture myself with the guilt and shame for eating when I didn't 'have to'. This is disordered thinking, I know. Anyways, I had to get it done, and thankfully the procedure went a lot smoother than the first time.
Friday afternoon I was hit with another bombshell. Apparently since I have not gained any weight (or lost some- I am not exactly sure) my insurance is questioning whether this program is appropriate for me or whether I need a more intensive inpatient rigid refeeding/weight gain program. This would really suck. I will not go to such a program, so I really hope things work out. Because my weight has not progressed, I am on a new protocol. I am back on 24-hour observations and also on strict 'couch rest'. This means I can only walk to the bathroom and dining room (about 15 feet away) and the group room. The rest of the time I have to sit on the couch. I cannot even go on the bowling outing today or sit on the porch on the opposite side of the room :( I understand the concept of them not wanting me to expend even the slightest amount of energy, but it is still disappointing. And I get the sense that they don't completely believe me that I am not doing something 'bad' to avoid weight gain. That is actually the worst part- I can't do ANYTHING to make my body do what it 'needs' to do. I am literally helpless. So parts of it do feel punishing. But it will supposedly be re-evaluated on Mon. I am trying to remind myself:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"
My sacred 'couch seat':