Friday, June 19, 2009


It has been a rough week. Sorry I haven't updated.
This week I have started to share my timeline with the group and with my therapist. Today I was told that my timeline is more like a memoir and I need to cut it down for the group part. I have enjoyed writing my timeline and am going to keep it as a work in progress.
Tuesday night the staff decided to forgo our pre-planned meal and got pizza and (honestly) salad drenched in dressing. I was already very anxious about this change, and was supposed to sit next to my dietitian. However, she ended up spending the time talking with another client, thus I was sort of alone at the end of the table. I didn't eat, didn't supplement. No one really talked to me about it. I left dinner and sat outside for quite a while, feeling abandoned and needy, and very much wanted to cut. The fact that no one noticed I was missing or came to look for me sort of cemented these beliefs for me.
I know my behavior sounds childish and manipulative. Honestly I was experiencing intense emotions, and this rage inside. Maybe it was connected to the fact that I have been talking a lot about experiencing abandonment as a child or whatever. I did have an opportunity to talk to my peers about the situation that night, and spoke of it with a couple of staff the following day. Both Wednesday and Thursday I purged. At least one of those times I let staff know I had the urge, but I did not seek out the level of support I needed, I guess. My team thinks that my acting out on behaviors is related to some emotions that might be stirred up since I am sharing my timeline. I don't really like this theory; I feel like it is making justifications for my behavior. Also, it is hard for me to see this as a possibility because I really am not feeling emotions about it. But I m trying to entertain the idea that my emotions and behaviors are related.
Anyways, I am going to make a concerted effort to stick to my observation time, ask for support and use concrete coping skills. I do not want my stay here to be jeopardized.
It has gotten hella hot here. Yesterday and today have been near 100 degrees, and humid. The air conditioning cant keep up, so the building is warm (I am actually comfortable, but others are sweltering). Yesterday some folks saw a peacock in the yard (4 feet tall!!) but I did not see it. I did, however, see another black snake today, it was sort of cute, so small I thought it was a large worm.
Tonight we are going to see The Proposal, which I am excited about since that was my pick for the movie. Tomorrow's outing is to Border's and JoAnne Fabrics. I may or may not go to church on Sunday...I think I will see how the other outings go, and I want to examine my true intentions for going.
I am glad this week is over. I am looking forward to a better week next week.

1 comment:

Wendy Gladstone said...

Dear Jen,
For the first time in a week I am able to read your blog again. It sounds like Friday was a really tough day for you. I am trying to imagine what it is like for you at the program. On the one hand, it seems that you are under a lot of observation and you're getting a lot of professional support. On the other hand, you don't have long-term friends there so when things don't go well an the staff or other (clients? patients?) don't notice, you must feel very alone. Just when you need more attention and support you get less! I hope you were able to explain what you felt like to everybody and I especially hope they understood. I'm sure that once they did, they made you feel included. Experiences like this one will make you more aware when somebody else ends up in the same 'boat' so that YOU can be helpful to THEM.
OK here is some news of my own: the reason I had to take a week off from reading your blog is that my new granddaughter became ill and it turns out she had a blockage in her aorta called a coarctation and had to have it surgically repaired as an emergency a week ago. It was really upsetting for everybody--until everything got fixed up fine and she got to come home again. Her big brother (not yet 3) got to stay with us for a week so things were pretty hectic for a while. It is really wonderful to have everything back on track again.
And when you finish the program, you will feel a lot more back on track only you are building yourself a new track so you don't end up at the same old train station.
How's that for a Sunday evening analogy?!
OK got to go--I'll write again soon. Take care and be well.
Wendy Gladstone