Hump day!!

This week is kinda odd because it is family week, so all of our groups are cancelled Tues, Wed, Thurs and we all sit with our families cramped in a room and listen to lectures. Yesterday I had a hard time staying awake!
Yesterday was the first day of my new menu increase, my breakfast was doubled. I had a really hard time with it, and was especially struggling to eat lunch because I was still so full from breakfast. After lunch I was really struggling. I didn't necessary have an urge to purge, but I felt like my intolerance was mounting and that using an ed behavior was imminent. I knew I could not do dinner. But as the afternoon wore on, and a good nap and therapy session took place, by the time dinner was here I was able to get through it. I am not happy about my menu increases, especially since Deborah said I have not gained any weight since I have been here and likely will have more increases.
For those of you that have not had an eating disorder, let me explain how menu increases are so paradoxical to an eating disordered patient...or at least for me. When I hear that my menu needs to be increased, part of me is happy. Menu increases mean I am not gaining weight exponentially. But meal plan increases also are scary...the fear of being overly full, of wanting to purge more often. Also my fears of gaining weight and getting fat skyrocket. So it is quite a emotionally confusing process.
Today is menu planning. I have been looking forward to it all week. I like picking my menus, seeing what is going to be served in the following week and basically obsessing over it. It is a very eating disordered thing, I know. Probably why they only do it once a week...

Some of you, my friends that are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder, I know it seems that this blog focused on the food and behaviors and the ed protocols. It partially is, my eating disordered thinking is still quite ingrained. But also, I am trying to explain the processes and challenges of fighting the eating disorder and being in treatment because there are people (hopefully) that read this who don't have a clue about eating disorders, let alone a treatment program, and don't understand the meal plans, the struggles and the routine of being in treatment. I am trying to keep away from using numbers as much as possible, as well as not talking about specific weights, but if you find things triggering, or can think of ways that I improve my sharing of my experiences, please let me know!