Monday, June 15, 2009

Weekend Wrap

It was a productive weekend. I feel good about that.

Friday night we went to see the movie. I have this thing I do which is that I always see things that I want to do or intend on doing, but then I back out at the last second. This was a constant occurrence during college. I would decide something looked fun, but as the time approached, I would find my anxiety increasing, the fear of being around people and food and out of my isolative abode overtaking me. Most of it was eating disorder related- I didn't want anything to interfere with my routine or schedule or intentions to binge and purge. As movie time approached Friday night, this same anxiety crept up, to a lesser degree. Of course, engaging in eating disorder acts were not a factor, it was more of stepping out of my comfort zone and interrupting the schedule I knew and was familiar with.

Similarly, I felt the same way about Sunday's outing, which was to the Botanical Gardens. But I pushed myself to go. The gardens were pretty, but not exactly what I was expecting. Their Japanese garden was not at all like what I remember seeing in Japan. Plus it was really hot and there was a lot of walking, and my unfit body was exhausted by the time we left.

Saturday I also engaged in another eating disorder fueled sin. I stole food, ate it and purged it. I am not proud of this. It was the hardest thing ever to admit this to Deborah yesterday, but I think I feel a little better now that it is out. I am just very ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Sunday was kind of chill. For Body Movement group we went on a walk. It was supposed to be peaceful and calming, but it was sort of difficult for me to get in that space. I was, however, reminded how much I want to do things that that the eating disorder prevents me from doing, such as taking up photography, hiking, camping and fishing.

Sunday night it was sprung on us that we were going out to eat again. I was not very happy about this. I was already grumpy because Deborah just bumped my meal plan up again (I am now eating exactly double what I was just a week ago), and going out did not appeal to me. We got there, some very expensive European restaurant, and I decided to have the "Roasted Beet and Goat Cheese Salad." Yes, this choice was majorly influenced by my eating disorder, but it honestly sounded good on the menu. It wasn't. It was disgusting. I disliked every part of it, besides the beets, but they were all covered in disgusting dressing. I choked it down. I was annoyed on the outside, and angry on the inside. It is a very big eating disorder rule not to ever eat anything I don't like (is that really unreasonable?) and I feel that if I have to eat, I might as well like it, or at least be able to tolerate it. Not the case here. I guess it taught me several things: 1) Don't let the eating disorder choose your foods for you and 2) I don't ever have to have that again!
Today I am sort of blah. I processed my theft/purging event in group, and just am ashamed about it. I am eating the damn food. But I am still blah.

Here are some pics from the Botanical Gardens:






2 comments:

Katie said...

I'm proud of you for admitting to stealing/purging. I know that had to be really hard for you. You're pushing through some really hard things right now -- give yourself some credit. I love you!

Anonymous said...

I am proud of all the work you are doing Jen, I know that it isn't easy for you. By the way I really like this picture of you even with the tube in lol!!Keep up the fight b/c I know that you can do this. I love ya, and hang in there!!love sarah