It has been a rough week...and it is only Tuesday!
Mostly the struggle with eating has been hard, much harder than I had anticipated. I have never had SO much anxiety about eating. One of my 'eating disorder rules' has always been to not eat when I am not hungry. Although I was always ravenous at home, I have NOT been hungry since I have been here. I am not sure if it is because I am not binging or purging (likely) or whatever. But I am not hungry...which makes it physically unattractive to eat, and the 'ED voice' adds fuel to the fire. I am offered Ensure for the portion of food I do not complete, but I HATE Ensure. I hate the taste smell and texture, the nutrition facts that I know about it, what it symbolizes. So while I have had some meals (and an entire day) where I have completed 100% of my meals, for the most part I have not.
Yesterday my nutritionist brought up the issue of a feeding tube. They cannot keep me here if I am not getting my minimum nutritional needs met. She explained that she felt the tube was absolutely necessary, and not a sign of noncompliance. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Part of me thinks that I have not been binging or purging the last few days and therefor could 'handle' it at home...but I know that that is not realistic. Mostly I feel like I am a failure by getting a tube, that I am taking the 'easy way out'. It seems that if I am going to be getting supplement through a tube, I should be able do drink the damn stuff. But I haven't. In the past the tube has been a symbol of ED vanity for me. Now it feels like a sign of weakness.
I agreed to the tube. I just could not make a decision, and as much as I wanted to say "I promise I can do this" I don't know that I can. It is not like I have been going into meals planning not to eat...quite the opposite. I cannot really describe the anxiety and thoughts that keep me from doing what I need to do, I cannot just do the motions and not think about it. I honest-to-God have tried.
I got the tube this morning. The procedure was horrible, worse than any I have had in the past. I hated having to come back to the center and have the other girls see me...my biggest fear is that this tube is going to isolate me from the other girls, make me an outcast....
Despite the tube, I am not going to give up trying. They are going to let me try to eat as much as I can and use the tube when I cant, or don't or whatever you want to call it. So far it has been okay...tonight I even ate 100% at dinner, therefor do not need to have a tube feeding. I hope that I do not have it for long and that I do not feel so much anxiety.
Tomorrow I am supposed to get my room- finally! I also have an appointment with a GI specialist about my horrid acid reflux. I should be getting my first Contract- a weekly plan that outlines my goals, assignments and privileges for the week.