48 Hours

Has anyone ever watched that show on A&E? Good show....

Well, today has been harder for me. Until today I have not been eating much. I have a lot of anxiety around eating in front of other people, about gaining weight too fast and, most of all, about having to sit with the food in my stomach after the meal. The first couple of days I wasn't hungry (odd for me) and it was easy to just control what I was eating (or not eating).
So far today I have eaten 100% of my meal plan. The urges to binge and purge (especially binge) are pretty strong. I know if I wasn't here I would be acting on them. This is another reason I have been avoiding eating..once I start, I just want more and more. The time between meals seems never-ending and agonizing. I have tried mostly to sleep, but I can only sleep so much. My meal plan is at the 50% level, the lowest. That means that of a 'normal' meal, I am plated 50% of that (but expected to eat 100% of that 50%...confusing, I know). I meet my dietitian tomorrow and I am not sure if she is going to alter my meal plan. Part of me wants her to, I am just so damn hungry now, but the eating disorder part definitely does not want that to happen. That part is mad at me for starting to eat this morning and thus starting the whole cycle of hunger, binge cravings, and eating.
Tonight we are going on an outing to Borders. I am hoping I can enjoy that, but I am afraid that I will be distracted, or even looking for a way to get away with something....fortunately, I am pretty sure I have to stick with a staff member.
I have not purged since I have been here- the longest I have gone since in CFC. And I have eaten (and kept down) more food than I have in months, probably in at least a year. I know I am supposed to be taking this 'one second at a time' but it is just so damn hard.