Rogers:Daily Life

Wow...it has been a long time!!! I am back at Castlewood. I got back a week ago- last Monday. My stay at Rogers did not go well, to say the least. I will try to do my best to summarize my experience.
I flew into Milwaukee after a layover in Memphis, TN. It was sort of odd to have to fly directly south from St. Louis for an hour to Memphis and then directly north for two to get to Milwaukee, but I suppose that is how the airlines work these days. The driver from Rogers was calling to ask where I was before I even made it to the baggage claim. He was an interesting fellow- Norm is his name. He would ask me a question (in a very low voice, so that I would have to have him repeat it several times), such as what was I studying in school? to which I would have to shout back the answer ("Biology!") because he could never hear me. Then he would reply with some completely random or inappropriate response such as "Oh, thats too bad, we don't all get t do what we want in life." Anyways, as we pulled in front of the admissions building, a cop pulled in behind us. I was alarmed at first- was I going to be brought into the building in shackles? Nope, Norm had just ran a stop sign.
After the whole admission and paperwork process I was taken up to the unit. It is a locked psychiatric unit with two halls; one hall is for the adult mental health and drug/alcohol detox patients and the other hall is for the adult eating disorder patients. My stuff was searched and I was given a room. I lucked out in that I got a single room with a bathroom, although it is not that great since the rooms are bare with just a bed and locked windows with heavy screens. Most of the other rooms are doubles and everyone shares the shower rooms located off the hallway.
Since I came in on the weekend I was not able to meet with a dietician right away and was given the standard meal plan they give to people who first come in- the lowest plan which is ver, very little food. That night I asked for some extra fruit for snack, which practically floored them.
The first day I met with the doctor on call. She was able to write me an order that allowed me to have my clothes that had drawstrings and I was also allowed to have my yarn and knitting needles. The dietician that was filling in for the weekend came up to meet with me and we discussed what I had been eating at Castlewood and she greatly increased my meal plan. Rogers goes off the exchange system, which I despise because it tends to make me become more obsessive on calories (it did). They also require 3 meals and 3 snacks, like most programs.
That first day I also completed all of the assignments they give you- a couple of worksheets abut body image and exercise and a workbook about your eating disorder. Monday I met with my regular doctor who advanced me to level three- the highest level. This meant that I was allowed to eat in the dining room (although I still ate off of a prepared tray) and was allowed outside. The days are all the same at Rogers: wake up at 6:30am for weights and vitals (if you have bloodwork ordered, they come around 5 or 5:30 in the morning), shower and get ready. Breakfast is at 7:45. Then everyone kind of hangs out, at some point we have goals group where we would all state our goal for the day. Then came rec group for an hour where would play a teambuilding game (with the exception of Mondays- no group at that time), followed by snack, and an hour of process group. Lunch is at 11:45an, and then we chill until 1pm when we have social serives group for an hour. Sanck at 2, art at 2:15, dinner at 4:45, snack and goals at 8pm. day in and day out. No individual therapy or anything. The weekends are worse- just art group in the morning and process group in the afternoon surrounded by all of the meals and snacks. I fulfilled my time doing lots of jigsaw and sodoku puzzles and crocheting dishcloths.

Going...going..gone

So I am all set to go to the program in Wisconsin. I really don't want to go, to be in such a strict, depersonalized unit. But I have been keeping myself very busy, so fortunately not had too much time to dwell. I am flying out tomorrow morning. I hope to do what I need to do there in a relatively short time and be on my way back here to Castlewood. I just need to remember that Roger's is not forever. I will not have Internet or phone access there, so I will be away for a bit. Enjoy your summer!

Limbo

The team has decided I need a more intensive inpatient program to have a steadier weight gain and to have more structure and support in controlling my ED behaviors. I am so devastated. I just want to stay HERE. They have promised that if I do what I need to do I can come back as soon as I leave ip. They want me to go to Roger's Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin. I do NOT want to go. I have heard horrible things about the program. But...the alternative options are not good. So I had an assessment with Roger's this morning and am waiting to hear back from them. I am in limbo, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. As soon as I get the go from them I will schedule my flight out there. That could be tomorrow morning or tomorrow afternoon or Saturday. I just do not know. I am trying just to focus on the logistics of what needs to be done. Cancel my cell phone and car insurance, pack, ect. Roger's ip program is very strict and I will not be able to access a computer or cell phone (or pants with drawstrings, spiral bound notebooks, outdoors...) so this blog is going to at least be on hold if/when I go. I will update when I know more....

Slump :(

I have been kind of depressed the last few days. I don't know why. I spent my free time over the weekend in my room and slept a lot. I just do not really feel like being around people. Additionally, my urges to restrict my food intake are greater. So far I have still eaten all of the food and stuff I am supposed to, but it has been a great struggle and debate in my head.
Last week, after sharing my timeline to the group, I got feedback such as "this treatment stay is just the next line in the progression of my treatment stays" and that "it is impossible that I will recover." I felt (feel) very hopeless. If the professionals think it is near impossible for me to recover, then what chance do I have?!? On Friday my therapist and I agreed that I would start a "Rigorous Honesty" journal, where I note all of my behaviors and eating disordered thoughts. I have doing pretty well with it. However, I still had struggles and urges over the weekend. On Monday I implemented a plan with Deborah that included me sharing my Honesty journal once a shift, no kitchen privileges and no privileges to go on outings. I am okay with all of that, I know I need the extra support. But at the moment I don't really care about any of it- treatment, recovery, my eating disorder, being here or not being here.

Well, it has been a few more difficult days. It's hard to have so many now, and not really having a light at the end of the table.
Sunday was low-key. They had Body Movement group in the pool, which I could not participate in, so I had to stay inside. I am bummed because the weather has cooled off a bit and being outside is actually very pleasant, but I cannot go out yet. Sunday night we went out to dinner at some Thai restaurant, which was okay.
Yesterday was....explosive. The morning was okay, although now I have a morning snack, and that kills the little quiet time I enjoy between groups. During one of the morning groups the group leader informed me that I have been dishonest about my behaviors and how I am supposedly 'manipulating my weight' and that it has been reported by other peers that I am secretly purging. I was quite infuriated. First of all, that I have told staff EVERY SINGLE TIME I have purged. Secondly, that although I have repeatedly asked my peers to let me know if they are concerned about me, that no one comes to me directly. So the group leader was using this as ammunition to the team's belief that I am being dishonest and may need a higher level of care- which was completely opposite of the vibe I got from then on Friday.
After lunch I was randomly weighed. This made me very anxious- my immediate belief is that I gained a bunch of weight yesterday and they have to confirm that.
From there I went to my therapist's office. He confirmed that the team is suspicious that I am lying, specifically using my peer's accusation as evidence to that. It was the last straw for me. I walked out of his office. I was so pissed. I have been completely honest, compliant with every restriction that has been put on me. How am I supposed to trust these people who don't believe a word I say? I have done many things over the last month that I AM uncomfortable with, trying to trust the professionals, only to find out that they don't trust me in the slightest. I went to pack my bags. I had every intention of leaving. I was going to book a flight out, until I remembered that I have my car here, lol. I think I knew shortly thereafter that I wasn't really going to leave, but I was MAD. And I wanted people to know it. Eventually I calmed down, and went to talk to the program director. I laid out my frustrations. I let her know that I had, in fact, told my dietitian about the accusatory purge- it turns out that my dietitian missed the morning staff meeting, so the rest of the team was under the impression that I had not told anyone. So, again, I had fallen victim to poor communication.
I took a nap and unpacked. Today I am just trying to lay low. Initially my response was to charge into group this morning and express my anger that the 'concerned peer' was not coming to me. But lying in bed last night, the Life Coach's philosophies emerged in my head as I considered what purpose that would serve me and what I could take from this situation. I realized I cannot make anyone do anything, and that perhaps the lesson is that I need to be more open with my peers about my struggles.

Couch Bum(med)

Well, I had a frustrating end to the week. Which kind of sucked since the rest of my week was also frustrating.

Thursday afternoon my tube was clogged. In all honesty, I have not been great about taking the initiative to flush it every time I am supposed to. So it was pulled Thursday, and I was hoping that that meant it would stay out. Surprisingly, I found dinner Thursday night to be particularly hard. I have been wanting the tube out, but once it was, I was suddenly thinking about how much I didn't want to eat, how now nobody could 'force' me to do it. Also, I truly have not been experiencing any hunger. I was having an okay time in the beginning, but now I have absolutely no desire to eat. So eating dinner was me literally forcing it down. I was trying to use the fact that I wanted to go to the movie Friday night as motivation. But I was rather miserable the rest of the night.

Friday morning I found out that I was going to the hospital first thing to get a new tube. Part of me was frustrated- I didn't even get a chance to ask anyone if I could have a 'trial period' without it, and I didn't see the necessity in having it replaced since I have only used it a couple of times. But then there was another part of me that was relieved- I didn't have to torture myself with the guilt and shame for eating when I didn't 'have to'. This is disordered thinking, I know. Anyways, I had to get it done, and thankfully the procedure went a lot smoother than the first time.

Friday afternoon I was hit with another bombshell. Apparently since I have not gained any weight (or lost some- I am not exactly sure) my insurance is questioning whether this program is appropriate for me or whether I need a more intensive inpatient rigid refeeding/weight gain program. This would really suck. I will not go to such a program, so I really hope things work out. Because my weight has not progressed, I am on a new protocol. I am back on 24-hour observations and also on strict 'couch rest'. This means I can only walk to the bathroom and dining room (about 15 feet away) and the group room. The rest of the time I have to sit on the couch. I cannot even go on the bowling outing today or sit on the porch on the opposite side of the room :( I understand the concept of them not wanting me to expend even the slightest amount of energy, but it is still disappointing. And I get the sense that they don't completely believe me that I am not doing something 'bad' to avoid weight gain. That is actually the worst part- I can't do ANYTHING to make my body do what it 'needs' to do. I am literally helpless. So parts of it do feel punishing. But it will supposedly be re-evaluated on Mon. I am trying to remind myself:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"

My sacred 'couch seat':

Four Weeks

Well, I came to Castlewood four weeks ago today. In a lot of ways I feel like I have made no progress. But I guess change is slow and it is hard to see from one day to the next. At least that is what I am telling myself is the case...
This week has been sort of blah. I guess I have been a bit blah. On Monday Jim pulled me into his office and told me that he (and the staff) were concerned about the 'incident' over the weekend. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Apparently there was a discussion in Monday's team meeting that I had stolen food or something when we were at Borders. Not the case. Eventually they figured out that there had been some miscommunication and the don't know where that information came from. It is still sort of unresolved, and even though I did not do anything wrong it feels as though my 'reputation' is tarnished by the event. I am pretty frustrated over it.
Additionally, I am having a bit of a difficulty with another member in the community. I feel like I am irritable and that I am not capable of making connections with others. It bothers me because I don't feel like I can say anything right so I decide to keep my mouth shut, but then always end up opening it and saying something to piss someone off. This is very disturbing to me.
It has been one week since I have purged. I don't feel good about it; instead I feel like I am just forcing myself to go through the motions.
Hopefully the weekend will be chill.

TGIF

It has been a rough week. Sorry I haven't updated.
This week I have started to share my timeline with the group and with my therapist. Today I was told that my timeline is more like a memoir and I need to cut it down for the group part. I have enjoyed writing my timeline and am going to keep it as a work in progress.
Tuesday night the staff decided to forgo our pre-planned meal and got pizza and (honestly) salad drenched in dressing. I was already very anxious about this change, and was supposed to sit next to my dietitian. However, she ended up spending the time talking with another client, thus I was sort of alone at the end of the table. I didn't eat, didn't supplement. No one really talked to me about it. I left dinner and sat outside for quite a while, feeling abandoned and needy, and very much wanted to cut. The fact that no one noticed I was missing or came to look for me sort of cemented these beliefs for me.
I know my behavior sounds childish and manipulative. Honestly I was experiencing intense emotions, and this rage inside. Maybe it was connected to the fact that I have been talking a lot about experiencing abandonment as a child or whatever. I did have an opportunity to talk to my peers about the situation that night, and spoke of it with a couple of staff the following day. Both Wednesday and Thursday I purged. At least one of those times I let staff know I had the urge, but I did not seek out the level of support I needed, I guess. My team thinks that my acting out on behaviors is related to some emotions that might be stirred up since I am sharing my timeline. I don't really like this theory; I feel like it is making justifications for my behavior. Also, it is hard for me to see this as a possibility because I really am not feeling emotions about it. But I m trying to entertain the idea that my emotions and behaviors are related.
Anyways, I am going to make a concerted effort to stick to my observation time, ask for support and use concrete coping skills. I do not want my stay here to be jeopardized.
It has gotten hella hot here. Yesterday and today have been near 100 degrees, and humid. The air conditioning cant keep up, so the building is warm (I am actually comfortable, but others are sweltering). Yesterday some folks saw a peacock in the yard (4 feet tall!!) but I did not see it. I did, however, see another black snake today, it was sort of cute, so small I thought it was a large worm.
Tonight we are going to see The Proposal, which I am excited about since that was my pick for the movie. Tomorrow's outing is to Border's and JoAnne Fabrics. I may or may not go to church on Sunday...I think I will see how the other outings go, and I want to examine my true intentions for going.
I am glad this week is over. I am looking forward to a better week next week.

Weekend Wrap

It was a productive weekend. I feel good about that.

Friday night we went to see the movie. I have this thing I do which is that I always see things that I want to do or intend on doing, but then I back out at the last second. This was a constant occurrence during college. I would decide something looked fun, but as the time approached, I would find my anxiety increasing, the fear of being around people and food and out of my isolative abode overtaking me. Most of it was eating disorder related- I didn't want anything to interfere with my routine or schedule or intentions to binge and purge. As movie time approached Friday night, this same anxiety crept up, to a lesser degree. Of course, engaging in eating disorder acts were not a factor, it was more of stepping out of my comfort zone and interrupting the schedule I knew and was familiar with.

Similarly, I felt the same way about Sunday's outing, which was to the Botanical Gardens. But I pushed myself to go. The gardens were pretty, but not exactly what I was expecting. Their Japanese garden was not at all like what I remember seeing in Japan. Plus it was really hot and there was a lot of walking, and my unfit body was exhausted by the time we left.

Saturday I also engaged in another eating disorder fueled sin. I stole food, ate it and purged it. I am not proud of this. It was the hardest thing ever to admit this to Deborah yesterday, but I think I feel a little better now that it is out. I am just very ashamed and disgusted with myself.

Sunday was kind of chill. For Body Movement group we went on a walk. It was supposed to be peaceful and calming, but it was sort of difficult for me to get in that space. I was, however, reminded how much I want to do things that that the eating disorder prevents me from doing, such as taking up photography, hiking, camping and fishing.

Sunday night it was sprung on us that we were going out to eat again. I was not very happy about this. I was already grumpy because Deborah just bumped my meal plan up again (I am now eating exactly double what I was just a week ago), and going out did not appeal to me. We got there, some very expensive European restaurant, and I decided to have the "Roasted Beet and Goat Cheese Salad." Yes, this choice was majorly influenced by my eating disorder, but it honestly sounded good on the menu. It wasn't. It was disgusting. I disliked every part of it, besides the beets, but they were all covered in disgusting dressing. I choked it down. I was annoyed on the outside, and angry on the inside. It is a very big eating disorder rule not to ever eat anything I don't like (is that really unreasonable?) and I feel that if I have to eat, I might as well like it, or at least be able to tolerate it. Not the case here. I guess it taught me several things: 1) Don't let the eating disorder choose your foods for you and 2) I don't ever have to have that again!

Today I am sort of blah. I processed my theft/purging event in group, and just am ashamed about it. I am eating the damn food. But I am still blah.

Here are some pics from the Botanical Gardens:

Two weeks

Well, another week down. This was a somewhat stressful week as Family Week was Tuesday- Thursday, so all of our groups were cancelled and instead we had large groups with the families, cramped in an unaccommodating room. All of the clients were relieved to see Family Week be over so that we could have some breathing room.
It has also been a challenging week for me food-wise. My meal plan was increased Monday, and again on Wednesday. I was (am) quite anxious about this as it is a big change and I am struggling with feeling very physically uncomfortable, as well as feeling fat, disgusting and bloated. My dietitian claims that I have not gained any weight at all, but I am having a hard time believing that. She called me tonight (it is her day off) and said more increases are looming. I don't think I can handle that.
Additionally, there have been some conflicts in the milieu, namely between another person and myself. The tension has been building, and I have been okay, but then in group today I just broke down, crying hard. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Thankfully, I have been told the conflict does not really have to do with me, and I feel a little better about expressing how I am struggling within the community. Mostly I feel unheard and that people only see negatives in me. I have a very hard time with feeling I am so socially unacceptable.
Tonight we went to see a movie- "The Taking of Pellham...123". It was an intense movie, not the kind I typically watch, but it was good. I almost backed out, as I almost always do when it come to social outings, but I went and it was okay. Although I was extremely disappointed to have to settle for Diet Pepsi vs. Diet Coke.Tomorrow we are going to the Botanical Gardens.
My throat has been unbearably painful today. If it is this bad tomorrow, I might go to Urgent Care and get it looked at. I can hardly stand to swallow.
I hope everyone has a good weekend...including myself!

Hump day!!

This week is kinda odd because it is family week, so all of our groups are cancelled Tues, Wed, Thurs and we all sit with our families cramped in a room and listen to lectures. Yesterday I had a hard time staying awake!
Yesterday was the first day of my new menu increase, my breakfast was doubled. I had a really hard time with it, and was especially struggling to eat lunch because I was still so full from breakfast. After lunch I was really struggling. I didn't necessary have an urge to purge, but I felt like my intolerance was mounting and that using an ed behavior was imminent. I knew I could not do dinner. But as the afternoon wore on, and a good nap and therapy session took place, by the time dinner was here I was able to get through it. I am not happy about my menu increases, especially since Deborah said I have not gained any weight since I have been here and likely will have more increases.
For those of you that have not had an eating disorder, let me explain how menu increases are so paradoxical to an eating disordered patient...or at least for me. When I hear that my menu needs to be increased, part of me is happy. Menu increases mean I am not gaining weight exponentially. But meal plan increases also are scary...the fear of being overly full, of wanting to purge more often. Also my fears of gaining weight and getting fat skyrocket. So it is quite a emotionally confusing process.
Today is menu planning. I have been looking forward to it all week. I like picking my menus, seeing what is going to be served in the following week and basically obsessing over it. It is a very eating disordered thing, I know. Probably why they only do it once a week...

Some of you, my friends that are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder, I know it seems that this blog focused on the food and behaviors and the ed protocols. It partially is, my eating disordered thinking is still quite ingrained. But also, I am trying to explain the processes and challenges of fighting the eating disorder and being in treatment because there are people (hopefully) that read this who don't have a clue about eating disorders, let alone a treatment program, and don't understand the meal plans, the struggles and the routine of being in treatment. I am trying to keep away from using numbers as much as possible, as well as not talking about specific weights, but if you find things triggering, or can think of ways that I improve my sharing of my experiences, please let me know!

Monday, Again.

Funny how the week always begins, ends and lasts at the same time, but always seems longer or shorter.
It was a decent weekend. I like weekends. Some people find them boring, but we still have 3-4 groups a day and I actually wouldn't mind them being even less scheduled. Saturday afternoon we went on our weekend outing, which was to get mani/pedis. I got a pedicure. I was a bit self-conscious about going out with my tube, but it wasn't a problem, and I pretty much forgot about it. Saturday night was a bit tougher. We had pizza for dinner. This is another "forbidden" food for me, and after eating it I defiantly wanted to purge. But I was trying to remind myself of something a staff member was saying when trying to reason with me the previous night. There will always be challenges, the "forbidden" foods, but literally and metaphorically. If I don't push through my threshold of comfort or tolerance, then I will never make any progress. So I pushed through and managed not to purge.
Sunday night was our food outing. The dietitian chose Dairy Queen...and I FREAKED! I basically decided not to eat before we even got there. But once we were there, and I spoke to Deborah, I was able to find something I was okay with and eat a bit of it. I still had 50% meal plan, so it really wasn't as bad as I expected.
Deborah also told me that she needs to increase my meal plan. The way this works is that she breaks the weight into 5 pound ranges. So if one came in at 23 pounds, and needed to gain weight, their next range would be 23-28 pounds, the range after that would be 28-33 lbs, ect. We are expected to gain 1-3 pounds a week. So she doesn't tell you your weight (I actually don't even know where my current range started) but tells you when you have moved to the next one. Since I haven't gained much or anything I have to be increased. They let you choose how you want to do it...my options basically were to increase to meals by 25% (to 75%), later on, if needed I can add snacks. Since breakfast is the 'safest' meal for me, I actually decided to increase it to 100% and leave the others the same. But if that is too much, I can spread out the increase. I am anxious about this, but kinda expected it. She forgot to change my meal plan for breakfast today, so I had to have 75% at lunch, but I will start my new breakfast plan tomorrow.
Today in therapy, Jim had me start "the work". I have always said I am open to it, but now that the time is here, I am a little scared. The therapy model they use here is Internal Family Systems (IFS). I cant really say a whole lot about it because I really don't understand it yet, but I am trying to be open to it. Today's session was tense for me.
The weather is hot. I heard that it is supposed to cool down and become rainier later this week, which I am ok with. We get intense storms here, last night was very dark with loud thunder, lightning and hail. I loved it.

Welcome Saturday!

Well, I survived my first full week. It has been challenging..but not really discouraging.
Yesterday I had my endoscopy. It was really not a big deal AT ALL. The worst part was getting the IV because the nurse couldn't hit my vein, so she kept digging around in my arm. I hate that! I would rather they just take the needle out and start over. Anyways, once I got back to the procedure room, they knocked me out, I took a ten minute nap, and I woke up in recovery. Once my BP rose it bit (It was 64/thirtysomething!) I got to leave. Very painless. AND best of all: everything looks good!! They took a couple of biopsies that have to be evaluated by the pathologist before we will know for certain, but I am very relieved. For years I have been worried about the damage I have caused to my esophagus and the potential for cancer, so it is a big relief to have good news!
Yesterday I struggled....I purged. There were a number of influencing factors, although not justifiable ones, that led to my slip-up. I let staff know right away and have been processing the emotions/thoughts/feeling around the incident and how I can plan to cope better in the future.
I finally got a room Thursday night. I love it! It has gorgeous views, is warm and modern and has lots of storage space. Pictures to follow! I also volunteered for a weekly chore- there is a variety, but mine is to clear, wipe down and set the tables after each meal.
Today we have a couple of groups, and an outing, in which we are going to get manicures and/or pedicures. Every other weekend's outing is paid for by Castlewood, up to $15/person. It should be pretty chill, and I am hoping to get a fair amount of work on my assignments done.

It has been a rough week...and it is only Tuesday!
Mostly the struggle with eating has been hard, much harder than I had anticipated. I have never had SO much anxiety about eating. One of my 'eating disorder rules' has always been to not eat when I am not hungry. Although I was always ravenous at home, I have NOT been hungry since I have been here. I am not sure if it is because I am not binging or purging (likely) or whatever. But I am not hungry...which makes it physically unattractive to eat, and the 'ED voice' adds fuel to the fire. I am offered Ensure for the portion of food I do not complete, but I HATE Ensure. I hate the taste smell and texture, the nutrition facts that I know about it, what it symbolizes. So while I have had some meals (and an entire day) where I have completed 100% of my meals, for the most part I have not.
Yesterday my nutritionist brought up the issue of a feeding tube. They cannot keep me here if I am not getting my minimum nutritional needs met. She explained that she felt the tube was absolutely necessary, and not a sign of noncompliance. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Part of me thinks that I have not been binging or purging the last few days and therefor could 'handle' it at home...but I know that that is not realistic. Mostly I feel like I am a failure by getting a tube, that I am taking the 'easy way out'. It seems that if I am going to be getting supplement through a tube, I should be able do drink the damn stuff. But I haven't. In the past the tube has been a symbol of ED vanity for me. Now it feels like a sign of weakness.
I agreed to the tube. I just could not make a decision, and as much as I wanted to say "I promise I can do this" I don't know that I can. It is not like I have been going into meals planning not to eat...quite the opposite. I cannot really describe the anxiety and thoughts that keep me from doing what I need to do, I cannot just do the motions and not think about it. I honest-to-God have tried.
I got the tube this morning. The procedure was horrible, worse than any I have had in the past. I hated having to come back to the center and have the other girls see me...my biggest fear is that this tube is going to isolate me from the other girls, make me an outcast....
Despite the tube, I am not going to give up trying. They are going to let me try to eat as much as I can and use the tube when I cant, or don't or whatever you want to call it. So far it has been okay...tonight I even ate 100% at dinner, therefor do not need to have a tube feeding. I hope that I do not have it for long and that I do not feel so much anxiety.
Tomorrow I am supposed to get my room- finally! I also have an appointment with a GI specialist about my horrid acid reflux. I should be getting my first Contract- a weekly plan that outlines my goals, assignments and privileges for the week.

Well, it is Monday, time to get to work! The weekend was relatively decent. Saturday night we went to Borders. Big Mistake for me...don't ever let me into a bookstore! I cannot control myself! I bought a magazine, some puzzle books, a book, and a fathers day card...about $40. I am justifying it by telling myself that I was spending a lot more than that every day to support my eating disorder...but I really cannot be spending money right now.
Yesterday (Sunday) was pretty chill. We had a lot of free time in the morning and I went and sat out by the poo with some of the other girls. It was warm (up to 85 degrees yesterday) and is supposed to get up to 90 today...I love it!
I have learned a bit more about the natural characteristics of the area. In the pond there are these flowers that close at night and are in full bloom during the day. At night the frogs and other critters are SO loud, it is indescribable. The Merrimack River runs below the treetops, and there is a train track that runs right below the facility. It is SOO loud. And it runs pretty frequently- yesterday it was passing by about every ten minutes at times. At first I didn't know what the roaring sound was. I thought it was a helicopter, an earthquake, thunder. It woke me up every time the train passed. I am getting used to it now.
One of the clients got his dog from home sent to him on Saturday. She is sooooo cute! She is a Chihuahua and is only 4 pounds. I want one!!
Saturday night I awoke in the middle of the night to go to the restroom and did not feel well. I felt nauseous and dizzy. The staff took my vitals and they were very low, so I had to stay on the couch, drink, and get my vitals re-taken. They called Iness, the nurse manager, and I felt so bad that they woke her up at 4am! Eventually I went back to bed and as the day went on my vitals improved.
I met my dietitian, Deborah, who seems nice. Last night we had a "family style" meal, which meant that we did not know what the chef was preparing. Everyone had to portion themselves 100% of the 'example plate' and then eat their required percentage (ie, I had to portion a full plate but only eat 50% of it). It was a very dense meal- salad, pasta primavera and a cookie ice cream sandwich. It was very triggering to me as pasta, creamy sauce and the cookie/ice cream are 'bad' foods on my list and foods I would never eat without purging in the past. Afterwards I felt very full and disgusted with myself. I wish I hadn't eaten it. To add fuel to the fire, my acid reflux is horrid, and nothing seems to be helping it. Even this morning I am regretting what I ate last night and don't really want to eat today after consuming so much last night.

48 Hours

Has anyone ever watched that show on A&E? Good show....

Well, today has been harder for me. Until today I have not been eating much. I have a lot of anxiety around eating in front of other people, about gaining weight too fast and, most of all, about having to sit with the food in my stomach after the meal. The first couple of days I wasn't hungry (odd for me) and it was easy to just control what I was eating (or not eating).
So far today I have eaten 100% of my meal plan. The urges to binge and purge (especially binge) are pretty strong. I know if I wasn't here I would be acting on them. This is another reason I have been avoiding eating..once I start, I just want more and more. The time between meals seems never-ending and agonizing. I have tried mostly to sleep, but I can only sleep so much. My meal plan is at the 50% level, the lowest. That means that of a 'normal' meal, I am plated 50% of that (but expected to eat 100% of that 50%...confusing, I know). I meet my dietitian tomorrow and I am not sure if she is going to alter my meal plan. Part of me wants her to, I am just so damn hungry now, but the eating disorder part definitely does not want that to happen. That part is mad at me for starting to eat this morning and thus starting the whole cycle of hunger, binge cravings, and eating.
Tonight we are going on an outing to Borders. I am hoping I can enjoy that, but I am afraid that I will be distracted, or even looking for a way to get away with something....fortunately, I am pretty sure I have to stick with a staff member.
I have not purged since I have been here- the longest I have gone since in CFC. And I have eaten (and kept down) more food than I have in months, probably in at least a year. I know I am supposed to be taking this 'one second at a time' but it is just so damn hard.