Weekend Recap

It was HOT and HUMID!!!! It was about 100 degrees with 100% humidity. So muggy I avoided going outside as much as possible!
I ended up not being able to go to the movie on Friday as a consequence of my actions in the previous days. I definitely understood, but I was still disappointed since it was a movie I selected and really wanted to see! I was also temporarily placed back on 24 hour bathroom observations, but on Saturday was able to get off of them. I went on the outing on Saturday to JoAnn Fabrics and to Borders. I had to sty with staff, but that was okay. I got some more yarn for crochet and knitting projects (why is it that I only do them when I am in treatment??) and some magazines and books at Borders. I had a return and a coupon for Borders, so I was able to get 5 things for only $6. Love that.
Yesterday was sort of lazy. I worked on some assignments, napped, went to groups and hung out in my room, where it is cooler. I am now wishing I hadn't brought only sweatpants and ventured into capris-land!
I am looking forward to a better week. I have not purged since Thursday, so I am off to a better start.
Anyone have plans for the 4th of July?

Two weeks

Well, another week down. This was a somewhat stressful week as Family Week was Tuesday- Thursday, so all of our groups were cancelled and instead we had large groups with the families, cramped in an unaccommodating room. All of the clients were relieved to see Family Week be over so that we could have some breathing room.
It has also been a challenging week for me food-wise. My meal plan was increased Monday, and again on Wednesday. I was (am) quite anxious about this as it is a big change and I am struggling with feeling very physically uncomfortable, as well as feeling fat, disgusting and bloated. My dietitian claims that I have not gained any weight at all, but I am having a hard time believing that. She called me tonight (it is her day off) and said more increases are looming. I don't think I can handle that.
Additionally, there have been some conflicts in the milieu, namely between another person and myself. The tension has been building, and I have been okay, but then in group today I just broke down, crying hard. I don't even remember the last time I cried. Thankfully, I have been told the conflict does not really have to do with me, and I feel a little better about expressing how I am struggling within the community. Mostly I feel unheard and that people only see negatives in me. I have a very hard time with feeling I am so socially unacceptable.
Tonight we went to see a movie- "The Taking of Pellham...123". It was an intense movie, not the kind I typically watch, but it was good. I almost backed out, as I almost always do when it come to social outings, but I went and it was okay. Although I was extremely disappointed to have to settle for Diet Pepsi vs. Diet Coke.Tomorrow we are going to the Botanical Gardens.
My throat has been unbearably painful today. If it is this bad tomorrow, I might go to Urgent Care and get it looked at. I can hardly stand to swallow.
I hope everyone has a good weekend...including myself!

Hump day!!

This week is kinda odd because it is family week, so all of our groups are cancelled Tues, Wed, Thurs and we all sit with our families cramped in a room and listen to lectures. Yesterday I had a hard time staying awake!
Yesterday was the first day of my new menu increase, my breakfast was doubled. I had a really hard time with it, and was especially struggling to eat lunch because I was still so full from breakfast. After lunch I was really struggling. I didn't necessary have an urge to purge, but I felt like my intolerance was mounting and that using an ed behavior was imminent. I knew I could not do dinner. But as the afternoon wore on, and a good nap and therapy session took place, by the time dinner was here I was able to get through it. I am not happy about my menu increases, especially since Deborah said I have not gained any weight since I have been here and likely will have more increases.
For those of you that have not had an eating disorder, let me explain how menu increases are so paradoxical to an eating disordered patient...or at least for me. When I hear that my menu needs to be increased, part of me is happy. Menu increases mean I am not gaining weight exponentially. But meal plan increases also are scary...the fear of being overly full, of wanting to purge more often. Also my fears of gaining weight and getting fat skyrocket. So it is quite a emotionally confusing process.
Today is menu planning. I have been looking forward to it all week. I like picking my menus, seeing what is going to be served in the following week and basically obsessing over it. It is a very eating disordered thing, I know. Probably why they only do it once a week...

Some of you, my friends that are suffering or have suffered from an eating disorder, I know it seems that this blog focused on the food and behaviors and the ed protocols. It partially is, my eating disordered thinking is still quite ingrained. But also, I am trying to explain the processes and challenges of fighting the eating disorder and being in treatment because there are people (hopefully) that read this who don't have a clue about eating disorders, let alone a treatment program, and don't understand the meal plans, the struggles and the routine of being in treatment. I am trying to keep away from using numbers as much as possible, as well as not talking about specific weights, but if you find things triggering, or can think of ways that I improve my sharing of my experiences, please let me know!

Monday, Again.

Funny how the week always begins, ends and lasts at the same time, but always seems longer or shorter.
It was a decent weekend. I like weekends. Some people find them boring, but we still have 3-4 groups a day and I actually wouldn't mind them being even less scheduled. Saturday afternoon we went on our weekend outing, which was to get mani/pedis. I got a pedicure. I was a bit self-conscious about going out with my tube, but it wasn't a problem, and I pretty much forgot about it. Saturday night was a bit tougher. We had pizza for dinner. This is another "forbidden" food for me, and after eating it I defiantly wanted to purge. But I was trying to remind myself of something a staff member was saying when trying to reason with me the previous night. There will always be challenges, the "forbidden" foods, but literally and metaphorically. If I don't push through my threshold of comfort or tolerance, then I will never make any progress. So I pushed through and managed not to purge.
Sunday night was our food outing. The dietitian chose Dairy Queen...and I FREAKED! I basically decided not to eat before we even got there. But once we were there, and I spoke to Deborah, I was able to find something I was okay with and eat a bit of it. I still had 50% meal plan, so it really wasn't as bad as I expected.
Deborah also told me that she needs to increase my meal plan. The way this works is that she breaks the weight into 5 pound ranges. So if one came in at 23 pounds, and needed to gain weight, their next range would be 23-28 pounds, the range after that would be 28-33 lbs, ect. We are expected to gain 1-3 pounds a week. So she doesn't tell you your weight (I actually don't even know where my current range started) but tells you when you have moved to the next one. Since I haven't gained much or anything I have to be increased. They let you choose how you want to do it...my options basically were to increase to meals by 25% (to 75%), later on, if needed I can add snacks. Since breakfast is the 'safest' meal for me, I actually decided to increase it to 100% and leave the others the same. But if that is too much, I can spread out the increase. I am anxious about this, but kinda expected it. She forgot to change my meal plan for breakfast today, so I had to have 75% at lunch, but I will start my new breakfast plan tomorrow.
Today in therapy, Jim had me start "the work". I have always said I am open to it, but now that the time is here, I am a little scared. The therapy model they use here is Internal Family Systems (IFS). I cant really say a whole lot about it because I really don't understand it yet, but I am trying to be open to it. Today's session was tense for me.
The weather is hot. I heard that it is supposed to cool down and become rainier later this week, which I am ok with. We get intense storms here, last night was very dark with loud thunder, lightning and hail. I loved it.

Welcome Saturday!

Well, I survived my first full week. It has been challenging..but not really discouraging.
Yesterday I had my endoscopy. It was really not a big deal AT ALL. The worst part was getting the IV because the nurse couldn't hit my vein, so she kept digging around in my arm. I hate that! I would rather they just take the needle out and start over. Anyways, once I got back to the procedure room, they knocked me out, I took a ten minute nap, and I woke up in recovery. Once my BP rose it bit (It was 64/thirtysomething!) I got to leave. Very painless. AND best of all: everything looks good!! They took a couple of biopsies that have to be evaluated by the pathologist before we will know for certain, but I am very relieved. For years I have been worried about the damage I have caused to my esophagus and the potential for cancer, so it is a big relief to have good news!
Yesterday I struggled....I purged. There were a number of influencing factors, although not justifiable ones, that led to my slip-up. I let staff know right away and have been processing the emotions/thoughts/feeling around the incident and how I can plan to cope better in the future.
I finally got a room Thursday night. I love it! It has gorgeous views, is warm and modern and has lots of storage space. Pictures to follow! I also volunteered for a weekly chore- there is a variety, but mine is to clear, wipe down and set the tables after each meal.
Today we have a couple of groups, and an outing, in which we are going to get manicures and/or pedicures. Every other weekend's outing is paid for by Castlewood, up to $15/person. It should be pretty chill, and I am hoping to get a fair amount of work on my assignments done.

One Week Down

Well, I have been here a week. Overall I feel pretty positive about the program and the place. Monday morning I got my ng tube. The procedure was a sonofabitch. Nonetheless, I am stuck with it. Actually, since I got it I have only used it once- I have eaten 100% of the rest of my meals. I was hoping to get it out Monday, or maybe even Friday, but yesterday my dietitian told me I will have to have it for two or three WEEKS- until I am eating 100% constantly and gaining weight :/ I was sort of distraught by the news, but I guess it is what it is.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a GI specialist, mostly about my severe acid reflux. They decided that they need to do an endoscopy- put a tube with a camera attached down my throat- and that is taking place tomorrow. I am a bit anxious about it, and I have never been under anesthesia, but the people I have talked to here that have had it said it is no big deal. In some sense I am kind of glad, as I have been concerned about the damage and increased risk of esophageal cancer that I might have from years of purging and ruminating.
The only other thing I am annoyed with is the fact that I STILL do not have a bedroom. I have been promised each of the last three days that I would have one by the end of the night. Yesterday I even packed all of my stuff and the housekeeper changed my linens, but then it didn't happen. I am so frustrated because I want to unpack and have my own space. I feel like it is unfair because I am paying the same amount as everyone else- which is a LOT of money- and I do not have a room after a week. Even the people that have come in after me this week have a room. My first (pissed of) response is that I want to leave. But I am trying to tell myself that it isn't a huge deal, I will get a room (eventually) and although it is not ideal, I will be okay.
Yesterday I also got my Contract for the week. Some of my individual goals include reading the book "Compassion and Self Hate" and commenting on the chapters, finishing and sharing my timeline project, interacting with two different peers and eating 100% at at least one meal every day. They all sound pretty reasonable. I was planning to have my timeline done by next week, and present it in group, but next week is Family Week and the scheduling is different so I will not have an opportunity to do that. The contract also outlines any new privileges, but the only one I got was that I get to be on 2 hour observations (in sight of staff, and door open when using restroom) after meals where I complete 100%. This is a step down from the 24-hour observations I was on (except that I have 24 hour obs whenever the tube is used).
I am looking forward to the weekend. The community voted to go see the movie "Up" on Friday night, which I have no interest in seeing, and to get manicures/pedicures on Saturday, which I will most likely partake in. Other then that I plan to work on assignments.