Week Six Down

Yesterday I decided to try my best to look decent and play dress-up :)

Well, it has been a pretty quiet week. The weekend was calm. On Sunday my nutritionist shared her own story of recovery during a group. It was very inspiring to me. It made me realize that she could truly emphasize with me and that I need not be ashamed of some of the behaviors that I have engaged in over the years. When she talked about the beginning of her recovery, she told how the most important step she took was to be 100% honest with her sponsor. For some reason that really struck me. There are secrets that I have been keeping- nothing major, but they add up and fuel my addiction. Things such as having extra salt, extra diet coke, ect. At that moment in Deborah's story I felt compelled to be 100% honest. I know that recovery means 100% honest. I decided to come clean. As the evening wore on, I started to become hesitant and knew I was losing that motivation. I told a peer that there was something I needed to talk to Deborah about and asked that she would hold me accountable to doing so. Towards the end of the night I pulled Deborah aside and told her what was going on- everything. I trust Deborah the most of anyone. I had put myself in a difficult situation- on one hand I feared the consequences (well, mainly the consequence of being kicked out- I could handle and deserved anything else), but on the other hand I knew that recovery = honesty. I could get rid of whatever forbidden things I had, but that would only be a patch over the pothole. Thankfully, Deborah was very gentle, but I worried about the team's response on Monday. It went better than ever- I was actually commended for my honesty.

Tuesday I shared in group about the most difficult aspect of my eating disorder- the ruminating. It is a behavior that I am so ashamed of and is a huge dam in my recovery. My peers were very supportive, so I am glad that I am able to talk about it and get help with the issue.

The rest of the week has been a bit blase, a bit down. I don't know. I am relaxing that I am struggling less, having minimal urges to purge, ect, and that is a bit scary. I feel emotionally blank.

On the upside, I realized yesterday that I feel more comfortable within the community. I am finding it easier to talk to and connect with my peers and the staff. Hopefully that will continue to improve.

On Tuesday I woke up at 4:30am and could hear the wolves outside. I tried to get the howling on video, but you can only hear birds: (the bright object is actually the moon, not the sun)

A Better Day :)

Well, yesterday finally felt like a better day. First of all, it is the first of the month, thus we got to vote on new soda selections, and it is Diet Coke month people!!! wahooo!! That will make everything better! I also got to meat with the Life Coach for the first time, and that feels positive to me. For some reason the Life Coach and her positivity and method of refrming negative thinking is really rubbing off on me. We set some general gaols of things I want to work on- being more optimistic and less critical, finding "self love" and getting some guidence on which direction I want to go school and career-wise. I feel good about this.
Yesterday I also got off of 24-hour bathroom observations (yay!!) and couck rest (double yay!!!!). I am quite happy with this, even though I dont have any extra privleges. Tho only thing I am annoyed with at the moment is that my tube is clogged again and it looks like it is going to have to be re-replaced. I am NOT happy about this. But there is not much I can do about the situation, so to quote my dad "it is what it is".
The movie we voted on for tomorrow is "Year One". It does not really sound like my type of film- has anyone seen it? Not sure I will go, but it IS free. Saturday's outing is the St. Louis Art Museum, which I probably won't go to. Museums are not really my thing, and it is in Forest Park, which is supposedly crazy busy on the Fourth.
All in All, things are better today. What are you doing to celebrate the Fourth of July??

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog!
My life is not so exciting that I need to share it with the world, but I hope that maybe by sharing my life, I can help someone else. And, selfishly, I want to help myself, too.
This blog will chronicle my recovery from my eating disorder, but I want it to be more than that. I hope to share my thoughts and opinions, and just be able to connect with others. For those of you that do not know, I have been battling anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa for over eleven years. It has taken everything from me- my relationships, my schooling, my happiness and my will to live. I have been in and out of eating disorder programs and hospitals over 40 times, sometimes hoping my life would change, other times not.
I actually created this account a while ago, but wanted to wait until I was certain that I was going to recover before sharing it with the world. But why wait?? Will I ever be certain that I will recover?? How will I know when it is the beginning of that time?? One of my biggest faults is that I never want to make a decision until I am certain it is the right decision, at the right time. And often I wait so long that I don't make a decision, or allow someone else to make it for me.
So I cant guarantee that this attempt at recovery will be any different than the rest. I cant promise that every day I will be gung-ho about recovery or that I welcome a new life with open arms.
But I am hoping that whatever comes in the following days, weeks, and months, I will grow and learn.
So if you are up for the ride, I welcome you to join!